Archives for : Fear of Success

Rootbeer Report #6: “Cold Turkey”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : July 12, 2016
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Sorry for the late post. I’ve been trying to get a Rootbeer Report out every Thursday or Friday, but here it is, the following Monday. Truthfully, the reason I hadn’t posted is because I couldn’t decide what I wanted the featured image to be. I’ll explain later. Anyway, this post is about “Cold Turkey,” which was not a song originally planned for Fear of Success but it found its way on the project anyway.

A Dive into Darkness

Writing this is painful. Remembering what was happening in my life when I wrote the song is agony. May – June 2013 was easily one of the most stressful times for me emotionally and the most challenging for my sanity. Everything was going wrong all at once and when I reached a point where the suicidal thoughts got worse than they had ever been in my then 24 year old life, I did something I’ve only done enough times to count on one hand: I prayed. I got on my knees, crying and whispered something along the lines of “I’m not sure if I’m being tested, but if I am being tested for something then I don’t think I’m the right person for it because I can’t take much more.”

I believe organized religion is the foremost issue in our society, yet I wept to the ghosts around me as if they were sacrificing my first born to some vengeful deity.

Like, when I say on “Midnight Snack” that this album was made during one of the darkest times in my life, this was the epitome of it. The people I thank on that song were there to talk me down at 4:30 in the morning. But this post isn’t about “Midnight Snack,” it’s about “Cold Turkey.”

Every Woman in my Life with Animosity Toward Her

As I said in my Fear of Success post, it took two failed relationships for this project to get done. This song actually isn’t about an individual person. It started out being about the girl in the first relationship, but she was the same one who was the subject of “Perfect for Me” and I didn’t want to dedicate too much of the album to her. For quite some time, it remained a half-written song that I didn’t know what to do with.

It was the second breakup that caused me to finish the song and though that relationship was much, much shorter, its ending was more painful. She was, in many ways, all I had. I was told my mother has dementia and was given ten years to live, maximum. These would not be ten quality years either. She would deteriorate and eventually require institutionalization. Then, on April 30, 2013 I had to drive my mother several hours to a mental health facility so she could get her medications straightened out. This is a woman who had battled with addiction all her life, but who had also made AA her family and had found release from alcohol’s hold over her. So I have a mixed reaction whenever my mother is considered “clean and sober.” Being alcohol-free since 2000 is an impressive accomplishment, but replacing it with pills is, in both behavior and intent, the same problem. We blame the addiction, not the addict, though at some point the whole situation becomes so taxing that the support no longer has the strength, resources or willpower to help.

While my mother was the mental health facility, my grandmother had a stroke and wound up in the hospital. Between visiting my grandmother as often as possible because I wasn’t sure when the last time would be, to answering delusional calls from my mother trying to con her way out of the mental health facility, and lest we forget the open wounds left over from a five-year relationship that ended only a year prior – I clung to the only comfort left in my life. Unfortunately, that was a recent grad school graduate whose time consoling my needy, overly forward-thinking and idealistic ass would have been better spent making moves professionally. The first time I saw those decisions being prioritized over me (despite how logical it was to do so), we engaged in a conversation we would not make it out of. I could describe the nuances, but I’d rather not relive it.

Back to Writing

My father found out a day or two after she and I called it quits and wanted me to stay with him for a couple days. I did, but unfortunately there wasn’t much to distract me in the Pocahontas woodland paradise that is my dad’s house. I was pacing back and forth, hoping she would call and that maybe we could work things out. That’s when I realized…it was the same hallway I was pacing in while writing “The Best Nightmare” which inspired the line “up in the hallway pacing, pacing.” So I started writing “I just realized I’m in that same hallway, pacing.” That’s the hallway in the featured image on this post, which is something I had to drive all the way to my dad’s to snap and why this post got delayed.

Before long, I had the first verse of “Cold Turkey” and a few stray couplets written. Thematically, they fit really well with the song I had started long before – the one about the first breakup. After a bit of fine-tuning, I had the three verses. In fact, the last time I touched the lyric doc was only five days after the breakup. I thought about a hook and decided against one, reasoning that it would give the song too much of a processed feel. I just wanted bursts of raw emotion. I told Rawhide this and that I needed a beat. The following was his response:

I worked on a lot of this last night and since like 2:00 this afternoon here are 15 beats that may work for your song (and maybe even the other one you messaged me about) There’s quite the variety here; most of these are the most recent beats I’ve made during the Reason to Believe production process, making them really good, full of live instrumentation, really full of emotion, kind of experimental, and some of my favorites. Also be aware that almost every single one of these is unfinished; in that they’re a work in progress and shortened by a verse or two. But if you like one let me know and I’ll work on extending it and making it fit. I really hope you find something that you like here otherwise I’m like a frat boy’s t-shirt at a beer-pong party with five finger death punch blasting in the background: tapped out. haha

P.S. My vote goes to the beat I named “Gently.” I think something really special could be created with that, I just haven’t been able to do any justice yet with any of my songs.

But I didn’t go with “Gently.” I went with one called “deeper” which he then extended and perfected. To this day I’m writing to some of those other 14 beats he sent, some of which may appear on future projects. Eventually I laid “Cold Turkey” to tape and Dan did the mixing.

Closure?

We didn’t think my grandmother would recover, but she did – as well as you could expect anyone in their 90’s to recover. As for my mom, she’s had additional visits to the mental health facility for abusing prescription medications since then and, in the process, we learned that the dementia was a misdiagnosis. She had done so much doctor shopping that she ended up on anti-psychotic medicine and a bunch of other substances we weren’t aware of that had completely invalidated the previous tests. She was tested again, which came back negative.

Commentary

Some of us have a Jonah Complex and keep stalling

A Jonah Complex is a fear of success.

I can’t focus even though I sit at my desk

Here’s the line that ties it to the 9 – 5 theme.

She don’t put me down like you, no mercy

This is a reference to Joe Budden’s “She Don’t Put It Down Like You.” I used to download a bunch of albums when I would drive the several hours to visit Second Breakup at grad school. That album, No Love Lost was the first album I listened to on one of those trips, though, ironically, the line itself better reflects First Breakup.

Rootbeer Report #5: “Integrity”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 30, 2016
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Transition

I love an album that’s as much a bipolar mess as I am. That’s why it made sense to jump from a low like “Lost in my Depression” to a something as silly as “Integrity.” However, I didn’t want to take away from either song with an immediate, drastic change in mood.

Having client calls is part of my job so I wanted to reflect that on the album somehow. Between “Lost in my Depression” and “Integrity” was perfect for a skit because it lets the listener cleanse their pallet. Skits on rap albums are pretty much an endangered species at this point, but it made sense in this case. It’s tailored to the album theme, introduces a song, is slightly funny and gives the engineer a voice. That’s Dan Bouza on the other end of the line, by the way. Shout to him for recording the whole thing.

Overview

As I mentioned in my Fear of Success post, this was an early concept that made it all the way to the final product. For the fourth week in a row, the instrumental was one I brought home from Rawhide’s in early 2012. The filename he gave it was Project 23. Who the hell knows what that means?

Role in Fear of Success

Part of jobs – hell, part of life is doing things you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe you’re working with a client in a vertical that challenges your worldview. When you have enough love for what you do you’re willing to forfeit some integrity and do the work that makes you hate yourself so you can continue to do the other 80% of the tasks listed under your job title that give you purpose. The hip-hop equivalent of that is writing radio records.

Commentary, with lyrics I had to rewrite because I can’t find the finished lyric doc for the life of me

Money taller than a sumac, sumac
Who dat? Who dat? Yeah, Root back, Root back

Direct parody of Iggy Azalea.

Bruno Mars, Charli XCX
Sia, Ne-Yo, Teddy Pain
Usher, Future, Trey Songz
Rihanna, Chris Brown, Akon

If this truly was a radio single I’d have outsourced the hook to someone on this very exclusive list of artists the industry agreed to make superstars. I can’t afford any of them so I just read the menu.

Got more cream than a bag of Oreos

I built the entire section of the second verse around this punchline and it’s not even very good. It’s appropriate, though, because I’m pretty sure Desiigner built an entire song around “Gorillas they come and kill you with bananas.”

Goin’ home wit’ a bitch I met on the Internet, Ctrl+F her
Take control, F her

I dropped a reference to office work on every song. This one was a little more cryptic: Ctrl+F being the keyboard shortcut for “Find.”

No merit, you old like Bo Derek
Bum stickity bum, I flow cuz I wrote lyrics
Stick my thumb in your bum, your bum in my face
Make you sweat like you done wit’ a race and runnin’ in place

I’ll admit I didn’t get the appeal of Danny Brown at first. Everything I heard was about Molly and eating pussy. After he did a couple guest verses I liked – “Tick Tock” on the Man with the Iron Fists Soundtrack comes to mind – I finally checked out XXX and was pleasantly surprised. Still, his voice is unique so I wanted to parody it. It is the “Freshest Form of Flattery” after all. One thing I will say: I don’t know how the hell the guy does entire songs with that open-throat flow. I did four bars and I was in pain.

Rootbeer Report #4: “Lost in my Depression”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 24, 2016
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The most interesting thing I can tell you about this song is that, one time, Grieves was doing a show in Upstate New York and, as a longtime fan, I wasn’t about to miss it. Most artists are late for their own sets or hide backstage until the last possible moment. Not Grieves. I walked into Upstate Concert Hall and he was literally the first person I saw, hanging out in front of his own merch table. I shook his hand, told him Irreversible changed my life and bought every one of his albums I didn’t already have physical copies of.

After his set I approached him and asked if I could spit a verse. I wasn’t looking for anything, not even feedback. I just wanted to share my flavor of hip-hop with someone who I felt would understand it. When I first heard Irreversible, his language was like a polished version of what I was always trying to write. He conveys emotion in his lyrics like a play-by-play of the internal struggle. It was music for those of us whose brains won’t allow us to get out there and succeed. Hell, it was a soundtrack for me. So when he agreed to listen I wanted to give him something I thought he’d appreciate. I spit the second verse of “Lost in my Depression” which, at that point, hadn’t even been recorded yet. He said he loved how I bounced between “easy” and “hard” and thanked me for “not sucking.” Folks, one of my hip-hop idols told me I don’t suck.

Overview

This is the third song in a row where the beat came from the original pack Rawhide sent me home with back in 2012. The filename he gave it was “Boi 1-Da Type” which is an accurate description. Grieves actually asked me what kind of beat I had in mind for the song and when I told him it was Boi 1-Da sounding it definitely sparked his curiosity.

Everyone’s Best

Somehow my vocal delivery on this song ended up flawless. I did very few takes and my voice maintained a consistent volume. Dan didn’t even need to EQ the vocals.

I knew the hook could only be done justice with female vocals which was a route I had only explored before once, and that was ten years ago. A few singers were considered, but Shayna was always the frontrunner. She had the most experience and her goth rock style from her Zombie Bomb days was a perfect match for the words I’d written. Likewise, she was a former coworker and this album is dedicated to the 9 – 5, after all. She dropped by one weekend and crushed it in only a few takes. The whispering at the beginning of the track was her idea as well. Despite the fact that the lyrics were my bastard brainchild, this song may have had the most collaborative input than any other track on the album when you consider the contributions between Shayna, Dan, Rawhide and I.

Commentary

Sick of havin’ to ask for extra shifts
Cuz the rate they pay is next to shit

This album is about the 9 – 5 life; not a specific 9 – 5. This piece and a lot of the third verse of “Rush Hour” were inspired by a job at a chain of convenient stores I had from 2010 – 2011. The same one that inspired “2 Angry White Boyz” on Whiteout!

Sick of havin’ to eat for cheap
Sick of needing to wait for bird cheeps to sleep

The working title for this song was “Sick” – but that title only really fit the first verse.

Every evening, threatening to leave me, slamming doors

A little foreshadowing to the evening section of the album. “Perfect for Me” in particular.

Clouds of gray blemishing heaven
A shroud of haze is the deadliest weapon
No motivation to wake so I slept in
And I’ll waste the day – lost in my depression

These were the original lyrics to the chorus. Shayna took a couple of creative liberties with it, for the better, or course. She changed “slept” to “sleep” and changed “And I’ll I waste the day” to “I’ll waste another day again.” There’s actually a version of the song with me doing the original chorus as guide vocals and as long as my level of fame remains too-pathetic-to-hack you will never hear it.

My heart was taken and then my heart was shaken
And then my heart was achin’ and now my heart is breakin’

It was 100% Dan’s idea to have this repeat at the end of the song with the vocal effects and I totally like it. However, I realized very recently this is something Hollywood Undead does on “My Black Dahlia” and it’s making me self-conscious. When you see me, please remind me I’m not a shitty crunkcore act.

Just when you think you perfect it
You ain’t even hit the depression step it’s a pathetic mess

There are two places in the song where I rap in double time. This wasn’t because I am a bad writer who can’t keep track of his syllables. It’s because I wanted to put words to midday depression both in context and in style. Part of depression is having racing thoughts. With sadness comes intermittent panic, and certain lines warranted a sense of urgency that is derived from panic. Andrea, the cover designer, picked up on that when we were previewing tracks which is among the reasons she consistently captures still and video visuals that represent my music so perfectly.

Thumb brushes the touch screen, a hunt for supporters
Then I call no one and give up to disorder

These final lines went through so many revisions. I kept trying to work in some imagery of running a finger against the buttons on a phone. Once it dawned on me what a dated practice that is, probably right around the time I got my first smartphone, I found a way to complete the verse.

Rootbeer Report #3: “Day Old Doughnuts”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 18, 2016
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First off, I brought doughnuts into work today just so I could snap the picture for this blog post. I’m very committed to bringing you these exclusive articles – especially if they involve eating and talking about myself.

I also want to say that I wish no ill intent on any rappers named in this song. Think of it like my version of “How to Rob” by 50 Cent. I wanted to take the biggest rappers in the world and make fun of them just slightly more aggressively than I might do to a friend.

Let’s be realistic for a second: none of the rappers named in this song will ever hear it. Even if they did hear it, there’s no guarantee they would actually be upset. And even if they were upset, they should get thicker skin because they’re multi-millionaires and I’m currently waiting to buy the new Mirror’s Edge until the price goes down.

Overview

Like “Being Offensive,” the beat for this was part of the original pack I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. The filename was “My Party.” Not sure what type of party he had in mind. Probably one of the lemon variety. The song was mixed by Dan Bouza and myself.

As I mentioned in the Fear of Success post, I conceptualized this track in the early stages of the album creation. As soon as I decided on the overarching 9 – 5 theme, I thought about what best represents the different hours of my day. On the most glorious of days, someone brings in doughnuts and I eat a whole bunch of them. Oh, by the way I spelled doughnuts properly to educate you fuckers against the abridged version “donuts.” Sorry, but if you’re going to eat excessive food, you also need to use excessive letters.

Anyway, I thought about how I could write a song about doughnuts without it being cheesy custardly(?) and this is what happened. It is also the only song on the album that requires a moderate knowledge of hip-hop culture to appreciate.

Commentary

Movin’ on to the German, J. Cole
Jelly-filled Berliner, Born Sinner but no a-hole
Let Nas down with a single, he seemed way droll
But Cole World as a whole deserved the payroll

Everyone was praising J. Cole but all I had heard was “Work Out” and “Can’t Get Enough,” both of which I hated. Finally, I took the time to sit down and listen to Cole World and they were literally the only two songs on the album I didn’t love. Then, on his next album when he apologizes to Nas for putting out those singles that weren’t true to the legacy he wanted to leave, I was completely sold on him as an artist.

Rick Ross is the powdered always spittin’ bout cocaine
Plus he’s redundant like every little sugar grain
The same old topics, the same damn words
And sometimes he just rhymes the same damn words

I think this was the first of the metaphors I came up with. Rawhide tells me the “same damn words” line had him cracking up the first time he heard it.

Meek Mill is a cheap fill-in for Reek Villian

Reek da Villian from Flipmode Squad

Calls himself Wale, but it looks like whale. Like whale.

I legitimately thought Wale was pronounced “whale” from the time he was on the freshmen cover until he put out his first single with MMG.

Jay-Z is the coffee donut
Some people just pretend to like him cuz think they’re supposed ta

People treat Jay-Z’s opinion like fact. When he made “Death of Autotune” everyone backed up and stopped using it. He single-handedly ended a fad because the public let him. That was the catalyst for me making “Jay Ain’t Jesus” many years ago. I’m still not sure why we deify celebrities so much.

As a lyricist, it’s especially frustrating that people follow Jay so much because he, himself admitted he simplifies his lyrics. While I respect all that he’s accomplished, it’s upsetting knowing that he can deliver a verse like he does on “Da Graveyard” with Big L but chooses not to. He’s made some classic hits, but when you know a guy could sell a blank disc, you wonder why he still holds back.

Speakin’ of, Bob’s the green glazed
He got that sticky haze, you’ll be blazed for three days
He makes the hits Wiz wishes he made

Bob = B.o.B

Wrote this before Wiz made “See You Again” which got huge.

Chocolate custard, black and yellow like the bees that I evade

This may have been the last line of the song I polished before putting it on wax. Get it? Beeswax.

Have you ever seen a close up picture of a bee? They are designed to look angry all the time and they terrify me. I’m not allergic or anything, but if a bee challenged me to a rap battle I would forfeit.

How about some classics?
Big L? Big Pun? Notorious B.I.G.? Big Daddy Kane?
Now you just got Big Sean.
The fuck is that?!

Actually, Big Sean’s verse on “Detroit vs. Everybody” is one of my favorite verses so far this decade.

Rootbeer Report #2: “Being Offensive”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 10, 2016
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I debated excluding this song from the album. A lot.

This is probably going to be the longest Rootbeer Report because, well, you deserve an explanation. Here it is again in case you forgot why you deleted it off your phone or whatever it is you kids listen to music on these days:

Overview

The beat came from the original batch that I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. The filename he gave it was “D12 Type,” and I do suppose it sounds like something they would tackle. Like the rest of the songs on the album, Dan Bouza and I mixed it.

Is it too soon to get off-topic?

The entire thing is a parody, which is (or should be) made obvious by the line “I don’t really feel that way, but because of the amendments I’ll make a whole career out of being offensive.”

See, when I used to do shows (which I’ll start doing again soon) people would request songs like “Drummin on da Pussy” – over-the-top music I made purely for fun. Those songs received a disproportionate amount of attention and that affected people’s overall perception of who I am as an “artist” (quotes used to stress the word being used lightly). I was doing shows for crowds of only like a dozen people, yet still feeling that tortured dichotomy between performing what the fans wanted to hear and what I wanted them to hear.

I laid out my frustration over it years ago on “Moment 2 Breathe”

“They heard ‘Drumming’ so they wanna know how disgusting I can be
It’s inane to try to top it and insane because that record was nonsense
But they want it”

For the record, I never wanted to be a shock rapper. The reason I create is not to get under people’s skin, though sometimes I do it anyway. That’s how I have fun with my craft. As “Standing Around” makes very clear, I don’t go to the club to unwind. The chaos of the scene actually has a reverse effect on me, and the rare endorphin rush is never enough to keep me balanced. But creating music gives me that serenity.

I just released an album called Fear of Success with songs titled “Lost in my Depression,” “PTSD” and “Ghost of my Past.” Is it obvious enough that I’m not a particularly happy person? It’s therapeutic for me to turn those negative thoughts into something meaningful; and, for that matter, original. Hip-hop is depressed but I don’t hear a lot of artists tackling some of the topics that go with it like self-sabotage. If you put Joe Budden, Vinnie Paz and I in a room, you’d probably have every symptom covered. That is, if we didn’t just make each other sad enough to off ourselves. 50/50.

I’m trying to simultaneously fill in the missing pieces in my sanity and in the hip-hop genre. Walter Benjamin said it best:

“Writers are really people who write books not because they are poor but because they are dissatisfied with the books which they could buy but do not like.”
-Walter Benjamin, “Unpacking My Library”

Okay replace books in that with lyrics and you understand. Maybe I’m egotistical in thinking my experiences are worth sharing. Maybe I’m being overconfident thinking most of my songs have some substance to them, but I really wish someone said to me in my teenage years what I’m saying to you on this album.

I’m getting really off topic here. Let’s regroup somewhere around my approach to this song.

The Approach

The whole idea was to make a song as this persona that people think Rootbeer is. Not the fat idiot who quotes Walter Benjamin and is sad but the fat idiot who is also a homophobic misogynist.

It seems like every week a celebrity says offensive things, then tries to clarify and suggest they meant something else. I wanted to come right out and say the things that these artists are being accused of saying: all women are sluts, homosexuality is wrong. Then immediately follow that up with “I don’t really feel that way but…”

Offending people gets your name in a whole lot of people’s mouths, and running your own mouth is free publicity that is insured by our First Amendment. I’m saying what I’m saying in this song because I can. I’m not standing up for free speech, I’m being an asshole. And you should have a problem with that. Not because the words are discriminatory (though they are), but because they’re MEAN!

I am not an advocate for a politically correct society because I don’t believe such a thing is possible. We are all different; what we are comfortable with is different. However, one thing that hasn’t changed much is respect. If you use the wrong word with the right intention then you’re respecting someone moreso than using the right words but being a bigoted piece of shit. Patton Oswalt actually has a great bit about that in his latest special. Go check it out. Also, R.I.P. to his wife Michelle.

I guess, to summarize, I want this song to be seen as social commentary. We have freedom of speech and that is a beautiful thing, but why do so many people insist on using that for negativity? Still, I expect at least half the people who listen will not realize I’m asking this question, will hear “slut” and “faggot” and toss my album in the Shock Rap bucket it really doesn’t belong in (the only bucket it belongs in is the garbage can).

Album placement

It serves an important role on Fear of Success, representing the early morning at work when you are still groggy, un-caffeinated and bitter. Before you have some doughnuts. Before the mid-morning depression sets in (for me anyway).

Rawhide’s involvement

Everything about this concept screamed Rootbeer & The Rawhide Kid which is why I originally wanted to have a different guest on it. Like I said, I was trying to challenge people’s perception of me and for years you never saw my stupid, ugly face on a concert poster without his equally stupid, equally ugly face. However, the artist I reached out to could not deliver. There is no bad blood; it just wasn’t meant to be. So I stopped fighting nature and asked Rawhide to assume the position, then be on the track. His response defines who he is as a friend and as an emcee: he actually had a verse written already just in case I came to my senses. It was complete with the intro line “Offended I wasn’t asked to be on this track first” which was a slight jab at me for “snubbing” him. In the end it actually made more sense to have Rawhide on the song because I was trying to embody the bucket I’ve been placed in; a place my collaborations with Rawhide in the past are somewhat responsible for.

Commentary

SO GET OVER HERE BITCH I WANNA SEE YOU WORK

Full credit to Dan for the vocal effects on this line.

These motherfuckers are sweeter than Nutter Butters
But see we keeps it gutter, we’ll fuck your mother

I felt like I used the perfect level of snark in this verse. Unfortunately in my recording of these lines I named the artist I was originally going to feature. I don’t do punch-ins often but the delivery was too good to record over. “But see we keeps it” is a punch-in.

Sorry bucko but I don’t give a fuck if this chick is your slut mother
I’d still fuck her

This is an homage to “I’m Back” by Eminem where he says “Sorry Puff but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother, I’d still fuck her with no rubber.”

So get to your Twitter: hashtag Adam must be contended

The “bitch” at the end of this line was not written in the lyrics. For a word tacked on out of passion, it became quite the item of discussion during mixing. I asked Dan more than once to turn up just that word because I wanted it to be felt. The song focuses largely on generalizations and at one point I threaten to fuck the listener’s mother. However I never personally insult the listener. This was the last line of the last verse and my last opportunity. I had a split second to make it count. So I called you a bitch. What are you going to do about it?

Rootbeer Report #1: “Rush Hour”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 3, 2016
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Fear of Success has been out for a week and hopefully you’ve given it at least one listen. If not, this post will do nothing for you so why don’t you click the big-ass button above and download it? At least stream it on Bandcamp or YouTube. I truly could not have made this easier for you.

Anyway, this post is the first in a 14-part series I’m going to be writing throughout the summer to unpack and comment on each of the songs on the album. Let’s start at the very beginning with “Rush Hour.” Listen to it again if you need a refresher.

Overview

The song was produced by Chris Prythm for Ill-iteracy and, like every song on the album, it was mixed by Dan Bouza and myself. The single art was created by Andrea Malatesta. She took the photo while the car was completely in park, in front of my house. We had an alternate photo we were going to use for the remix cover, then I wanted to use a picture of a tire that blew out on me. Finally, on the day we released the remix last week, we decided on the final design which I couldn’t be happier with. Between both covers and the “Perfect for Me” video, my 2004 smoke gray Chevy Impala LS is seeing more action than most cars its age.

Why did I choose it as the lead single?

I knew I wanted “Perfect for Me” and “Battle Rap” as singles but I didn’t want to lead off with either. “Perfect for Me” is an excellent song but it’s too emotionally charged to be an introduction to an album that also has songs about doughnuts. Meanwhile, leading off with “Battle Rap” would give the impression I am a novelty. I already knew this would be the first song on the album. Once I settled on the name Fear of Success, I wanted the song to serve as a proper introduction so I included the title in the lyrics and, while recording, adlibbed the outro. Actually, the intro was also adlibbed now that I think about it. It introduced the project so well, I decided I wanted it to be most people’s first exposure to the album as well.

Rawhide actually hated this song when I first sent it to him. He said it was too noisy. After three or four listens, however, it became one of his favorite songs on the album and that the fact there is so much going on with the instrumental speaks to the chaos of the morning commute. I think that’s what I intended(?) Glad he came around to appreciating it because I was already planning the remix by that point.

The Remix

Funny story about the remix (it’s not actually a funny story): the computer I wrote it on, which I’m also currently writing this on, is a piece of trash that bluescreens regularly. It has been a lot better since I’ve been saving absolutely everything to the D drive and just letting Windows run on C, but you don’t care about that. Anyway, I save all of my Fear of Success stuff in a particular couple folders. I had to do a system restore so I backed up those folders. However, the “Rush Hour RMX” was never intended as a Fear of Success song so my lyrics were never saved in one of those folders.

Thus, I lost the lyrics. However, between old handwritten sticky notes I never threw out, Piriform Recuva finding an in-progress version and my memory not being completely shot, I was able to salvage most of the verse in its original form. Rawhide was originally worried his verse focused too much on the morning part of the song. It actually worked out perfectly: he wrote about getting up, L One wrote about the commute, and Hired Gun and I wrote about the work itself. It’s like the different parts of the same story being told from four unique perspectives.

Commentary

We’re going to do this Genius style. I’m going to write commentary about select lines that have some sort of backstory. Except, unlike Genius, you’re not going to have to sign in to fucking read it.

“What to take for the lunch break? Roast beef or heat the chicken?”

Of course I mention food within the first three lines of the album. I bring a sandwich to work almost every day, toast the bun while heating the meat and cheese on a paper towel. Some have called me a sandwich artist, which I’m fine with because the next-closest thing I make to art is songs about being mad at cars.

“And I will get on route 7 headin’ toward exit 6 and 7”

Every day with this. Route 7 from Schenectady to Latham and then from Exit 6 to Exit 8A on I-87 (or as we locals call it, The Northway). As chaotic as that is, I’m going from city to suburb. I don’t envy anyone making the opposite commute at that hour.

“The creekwater flow is slow, it washes my worries”

A creek does run behind my dad’s house. That’s one of the things I miss most about living with him, but there’s a certain allure about being an independent adult. Also, I can always visit.

“Roll in six minutes late, someone took my spot
Park under the shady tree, shaking the angry looks I got”

I do have a favorite parking spot, under a tree, but some other guy who works in the building but not for the same company started taking it. It’s not even close to the building but it was mine.

“Is that your Chris Tucker impression Dan? Man, you’re whiter than Lifehouse”

I actually still work with and share an office with the Dan who inspired this line. Different Dan, not Bouza who mixed the album.

“Is you might fit in a bike ride before the daylight dies”

I love biking. Some day I’ll share my biking playlist on here.

“You’ve got 5000 in the bank to buy equipment with”

Savings account. I have a lot more in my checking.

“All you gotta do is get over the fear of success”

Looks like the last time I modified the lyric file was June 22, 2013. I know I wrote this line after I decided on the Fear of Success title, but the second of the breakups which inspired that title happened on June 13, 2013. That means I decided on the Fear of Success title some time in that nine-day period.

Fear of Success

Posted by :Rootbeer On : May 27, 2016
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This is going to be a long post so for those of you strapped for time I’ll frontload this mess: Fear of Success, my first solo project in six years is available, in full, to stream, download, criticize and promptly delete.

Click here or, you know, on the giant button above the post to download it FREE.

It’s in 320 kbps which is a high quality MP3 format, which also means the file sizes are bigger. I wouldn’t have even considered doing that to you at a time when that would be half an iPod storage capacity but we now live in a world where you can equip items to your Fallout character from your phone so if the files are too big for you, convert them yourself.

If you want to preview it before committing the hard drive space, or maybe you’re on a work computer, you can stream it on Bandcamp and YouTube.

Physical copies are coming soon. They will be available first at shows, then on the website.

After you’ve given it a listen or two, consider coming back here. I want to tell the story of where babies come from. Music babies. And why this one gestated for so long. It’s not a story I can promise you’ll find interesting so grab a beverage first. Surge is back in some stores. If you can’t find that, I’m partial to Polar Blast Hawaiian Punch. Though maybe a root beer would be the most appropriate drink. Anyway I’ll be here when you’re good and nourished and then you can follow me on the journey that was the creation of Fear of Success.

Acknowledgements

There are so many people without whom this album would not exist but I want to take just a moment to thank the people who actively contributed to it. First and foremost, I met The Rawhide Kid in a writing class freshman year of college that I only needed to take because I failed the AP English exam senior year of high school. This being at a college I applied to at the last minute to be closer to someone else, even after being accepted to several other universities. It’s hard to not be a determinist when any little part of that story could have changed and we would have never met. I truly believe our paths (and streams) (and dicks) were meant to cross because here we are, nine years later releasing a project I know we’re both proud of. This album is truly as much his as it is mine.

Dan Bouza mixed a mess and mastered a masterpiece. That sounded like the MC Pee Pants line that precedes “612 Wharf Avenue” (right next to Melon Shakers). But back to Aqua Teen Bouza Force. I mixed every song on this album myself and then one day I happened to notice the balance in my checking account getting bigger. I don’t budget myself – I eat trash and buy Fallout DLC that I can’t play because I had to write this stupid post no one will read. It just so happened my job was paying me enough to live like a fat recluse with a little bit to spare. So at that point I had a decision to make: do I start saving to buy a house, or do I invest in this music thing? Ultimately I decided on the latter because I didn’t want to regret not doing so later on. There are always homes for sale, but record labels don’t sign too many rappers older than 30 for a debut album.

So I reached out to Dan who I also went to college with (he mixed “Without Cheating” on the Whiteout! project I did with Rawhide and was also once in a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with me) and sent him all my mixes along with the stems. He then broadcast his studio session live to me from Long Island to Schenectady (because the future is now, baby!), and we mixed them again, together. By “together,” of course, I mean he did all the work and I complained about certain things being too loud or quiet. He insists he doesn’t hate me but I do think I should get him a gift basket.

Dan Bouza & Rootbeer
Figure 1: Dan and I mixing a track off Fear of Success

Chris Prythm, Will Spitwell, Knowle’ge, Mike Larry Draw, Shayna – thank you all for contributing your various talents to this project as well. Andrea, you developed much-needed imagery to complement the audio, which will without a doubt enhance its legacy.

Genesis

After Whiteout! I graduated from college and, facing the “real world” (vs. Road Rules Miami) for the first time I put music on hold. I got a real job – no more serving iced cream to little fuckups who spill their sprinkles. Then one day in late 2011 creativity hit me in a surge (not related to the drink we have already established is back in some stores). I wrote a verse. It was about a part of my life I’d largely ignored in my music: my parents’ divorce. Divorce never hit me like it does with some other kids. Honestly, I was just happy they weren’t beating the shit out of each other any more. But the drugs my parents were doing during that time turned them into completely different people, ones who truly scared me. I put that to words for the first time and that became the first verse of “PTSD.”

For the next four or five months I proceeded to write the bulk of Fear of Success. I had already decided on 9 – 5 life after college as the overarching theme and had even laid out the chapters. Rawhide and I traded ideas over the phone, but on March 11, 2012 I sent him a Facebook message that got the ball rolling. Here it is verbatim:

Assuming last night broke my awful writer’s block, I’d like my next album to have ~15 tracks plus an intro and a skit. I’m planning on buying 3 beats from Chris Prythm (Hell of a Time guy) for the opening track (which I believe I’m going to call “Rush Hour”), the track I wrote last night (called “PTSD”) and the closing track (“Midnight Snack” — think along the lines of the bonus track on Recovery). I also have a couple beats picked out from a producer I found online named Caleb Sarikey. I was hoping you could do the honor for the other 10 songs. I’m not sure what they all are yet, but I’ll explain the few idea I have.

“Integrity” – The same concept as Jon LaJoie’s “Radio Friendly Song” but obviously for hip-hop. I’m basically going to listen to the radio nonstop for like a week and write down all the words I hear an unnecessary amount. Then I’m just going to list those words in the verses and the chorus is going to be a sung collection of hook-friendly names like Rihanna and Bruno Mars. This song has to have the most generic, pop radio beat possible.

“Standing Around (The Club)” (featuring The Rawhide Kid and one other person TBD) – I mentioned this to you months ago. Your standard club song but instead of getting drunk and dancing we just stand around looking creepy. Instead of a chorus should be a mini skit that helps change the persona from rapper to rapper. For example if I deliver the first verse, then there is a brief skit where you and I are talking until a fat girl comes and rubs her ass on me. Then you pick it up from there.

“Day Old Doughnuts” – In this song I will compare a dozen of the most popular rappers to a dozen doughnuts because extended metaphors make me look smart.

“Battle Rap” (featuring The Rawhide Kid) – I’m fucking excited for this one if you’ll do it. Basically you and me go back and forth Red & Meth style having a Pokemon battle. I really want this album to count, so I was thinking this could be a viral YouTube song if we perfect it enough. I was thinking the beat could heavily sample the battle music from the original Pokemon. I’m not too worried about copyright because I was going to give this album away for free this time around.

“Psychopathic” – Out of my element but yes, a horrorcore song. How is it Rootbeer? Well there are three verses and three girls I know named [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] (though I won’t name them). You do the math.

“Perfect for Me” – Love song because I need to balance the inevitable lyrics about gay sex on other songs.

I also plan to record with [redacted] and possibly his group [redacted] but I’m not sure what we’ll be thinking conceptually.

Anyway really hoping you can cook up something for these tracks because your production and my voice is never a bad combination. Also, how’s life man? We never talk any more.

As you can see, literally every one of those concepts made the final project. There were a few of the floating ideas that didn’t. For example, I chose to exclude the song with the Caleb Sarikey beat when the subject of the lyrics fell on harder times. Also, some of the guest spots didn’t pan out. But like I said before, I’m a determinist. This album came out exactly the way it’s supposed to.

About a month after I sent that message to Rawhide, I went to visit him at his home. We had a listening session where he played me over 70 beats he made – some specifically for this project, some he just thought I would like. By the end of that weekend, I came home with thirteen beats – nine of which made the final album. Also we watched Big Money Rustlas starring the Insane Clown Posse. Not italicizing that title because it doesn’t deserve it.

Intermission

Did I lose you? Do you need to take a break from reading to play Fallout DLC? I won’t be offended, but do remember to come back because there is much more self-aggrandizing to be done.

Finding the Title

Fear of Success was not the original title for the album. The working title was Short Shifts, Long Lunches.

I was actually thinking about putting little skits between songs too, but then good kid, m.A.A.d City came out and I couldn’t release an album with the same storytelling mechanics AND have a title with a comma or people would think I was biting Kendrick. I threw out the skit idea immediately after that album came out and moved the title into the metaphorical “maybe” column.

There was a time I considered splitting the album into two projects: one being Short Shifts and the other being Long Lunches. That idea also got scrapped because I didn’t want to make a bunch of filler just to have enough tracks for two projects. The fate of the project hung in the balance until two separate relationships went up in flames.

It was after the second breakup that I wrote “Cold Turkey” and asked Rawhide to send me an instrumental for me to record it over. In true fashion, he sent me fifteen. One of them became “Cold Turkey” and several others have found purpose for future projects. That relationship ending also launched a phase of me learning to love myself. Every decision I’ve ever made was true to who I was as a person. Sure, I didn’t like who that person was, but I realized that if I had made my decisions differently then I would have been deceiving myself. I had made poor choices, we all have, but none of mine were inauthentic. I learned to stop asking “what’s wrong with me” and start wondering “why can’t more people be like me?” It sounds arrogant, but as long as you don’t start acting elitist because of it, existing as yourself in the world becomes infinitely more bearable.

So many artists in their 20’s discuss their dead-end jobs, earning just enough to eat so they can focus on music. That was never my plan. Those rappers live hip-hop and work for survival. I work for a living and make hip-hop for survival. While my choices were practical, my depression and anxiety held me back from feeling a sense of accomplishment. The heavier songs in the first half of the album represent the distractions in an ever-active, racing mind. Those horrible thoughts that keep us from growing, from breaking the cycle. Being financially stable does not equate being successful because success is a state of mind; one that I was incapable of letting myself reach. With this realization, it was only natural I landed on the title Fear of Success which, by that point, was already a lyric in “Ghost of my Past.”

Setbacks

In 2014, most of the album was recorded and Dan and I had started doing our mixing sessions. However, not all of the tracks were accounted for. One of the biggest reasons I chose not to have any features on my 2009 project, Alternate Ending was because, for earlier projects, other artists always proved to be unreliable.

With Fear of Success I reached out to several local artists who were established enough for me to think they would take their craft seriously. Rawhide recorded his verses with me so, of course, he wasn’t a problem. Knowle’ge was another college acquaintance who has built quite a buzz for himself in the 518. After writing my two verses of “Ghost of my Past” I thought of his song “Do This Again,” with his own self-criticism and knew only he could finish it. He slaughtered it. Originally I was going to have L One on “Standing Around,” but Mike Larry Draw got back to me first. Remember how I said everything happens the way it’s supposed to? Because Mike absolutely slaughtered that track. L One got back to me later on and slaughtered the “Rush Hour RMX,” as did Hired Gun.

There were other artists, however, that gave verbal commitment to the project but never contributed. Dan also had a very busy schedule so I would sometimes have to wait months between sessions. I set May 2015 as a deadline for myself. When it came and passed, I was determined to finish the project without leaning on anyone but Rawhide and Dan.

Twelve Months to Success

In abandoning my pursuit of new collaborators, there was a vacancy for the song “Being Offensive,” which an eager and undoubtedly aroused Rawhide Kid filled, first with his penis, then with a classic verse, then again with the same but now slightly less rigid penis. Another track got scrapped and, in its place I recalled a song concept a former coworker pitched to me: “Workplace Hot.” It fit the album theme perfectly, and I already had a Rawhide beat that captured the mood. Rawhide and I set up a weekend to lay his verse, then lay pipe to one another, as well as adding energy to “Workplace Hot.” That weekend coincidentally fell during E3 when they showed the first Fallout 4 footage; a game which I will remind you I am currently not playing because I’m writing what is now going on 2500 words. This is pretty much a chapter of a book or an entire Joseph Conrad novel. Speaking of Joseph Conrad, did you catch the reference to Heart of Darkness in “Lost in my Depression?” Of course you did. You’re a cultured bunch. Anyway, those were the final changes to the Fear of Success tracklist and the last recording sessions. Thus began my distantly-spaced but highly-productive final production pow-wows with Dan.

We recorded the “Battle Rap” and “Perfect for Me” videos; the former in a field next to my dad’s house, the latter in my apartment. Did you catch the guest appearance from my piece of shit cat at the 1:09 mark? Fuck that bitch.

Andrea perfected the artwork. The Intro and “Business Call” were recorded, and I actually had to buy a selfie stick to record the former properly. It was a great recommendation on Dan’s part but I still keep the thing hidden under my driver’s seat because I’m ashamed of it. My perception of self has improved, but owning a selfie stick is not helping me maintain that progress. As my album was getting its happy ending, I sent the Intro-less and skit-less half-master over to Rawhide on October 15 so he could give himself one. I’m going to end this post with the first official review of Fear of Success, which is what he sent back to me less than 48 hours later. Spelling errors have been retained for authenticity.

To anyone who actually read through this whole thing: you are a true fan. Thank you for your support, or even just lending me your boredom time. Please share the album with everyone you know who has ever enjoyed a hip-hop song. Tweet me your feedback. I hope it’s positive. Would it help if I told you I love you? Because I do. It is because of you I am no longer afraid to succeed.

-Rootbeer

Fear of Success Review by The Rawhide Kid

So after around 10 listens and several masturbatory sessions I have decided to masturbate you…r ego a little bit and provide my review on “Fear of Success” and what the songs mean to me in the form of yearbook superlatives. Lets get started.

1) “Rush Hour”- “Song Most Likely to Get Me Super Pumped.”
-I’ve already talked about how much I enjoy this song and how great of a choice it is to kick start your album. I can’t wait to hear the fully mastered Remix with all of us; mostly because I can’t remember my verse and I hope its good but also because of how dope everyone elses verse is.

2) “Being Offensive”- “Song Most Likely to Permanently Damage Our Professional Careers”
-I’ve always envisioned this as a spiritual successor to “Beating Around the Bush” I will admit that I’m glad [redacted] flaked. I really wanted to be on this song from the minute you told me the premise. I think it has that vintage, Potsdam Junior year, R & R feel that I really think people will love. I think the tone of my voice in the chorus may have accidentally reavealed a little too much about my feelings toward gays lol. #Trump2016

3) “Day Old Doughnuts”- “Song Most Likely to Make Me Hungry”
-I’ve always found this to be a very fun song. You have a really bouncy flow on this that I enjoy a lot and the metaphors are out of this world.

4) “Lost in my Depression”- “Song Most Likely to Resonate With Millennials”
-God I fucking hate that word; Millennial. That superlative is accurate though. I do feel like you put words to the feelings and the thoughts and the struggles that I, and many of our peers go through after college. We’re told to go to college and get good grades so we can graduate with honors and get a good job. Well what happens when you do all that and you don’t get the payoff you expected? What happens when life hits you at 90 mph and you realize there are no more essays? Just a job you probably don’t like and bills to pay and barely anytime for the things you used to enjoy? I think you could have easily also called this album “Post Grad.”

5) “Integrity”- “Catchiest Song About Shitty Catchy Songs”
– Not only is this song a great take down of shitty substance-less radio songs but its also an incredibly catch song. The chorus to this has been stuck in my head for two days. If that was intentional then that was fucking brilliance. Also that Danny Brown impression slays me every time.

6) “Cold Turkey”- “Song With the Most Visceral Two Bars in Any Rootbeer Song Ever”
– “You used to be the one I thought I could retire with/Now I wanna throw you in the fire pit while the fires lit” Wow. The delivery of those lines and the emotion in it just burrowed deep into my head, and even my soul, and just stuck there. I’ve made Echoes of the Mind, many horrorcore songs, and said some pretty horrifying things on record but psychologically those lines are some of the scariest I’ve ever heard in a rap song. I find this song to be incredibly dark in a more subdued way; I enjoy that a lot.

7) “Ghost of my Past”- “Best Guest Verse/Best Production/Most Haunting”
-Knowle’ge really brings it on this track. I hate when I listen to songs where the guest has a verse that has nothing to do with the song. He fits the theme perfectly. Conceptually I think this song ties in perfectly to “Lost in my Depression.” I’m really glad you chose to put other songs between this, “Lost,” “Cold Turkey,” “Perfect” and “PTSD” otherwise it would have been the most soul crushing and depressing 25 minutes or so of my life. I don’t want to brag about myself but I really enjoy my production on this, I think its one of my best beats ever and definitely one of my favorites. I know I told you a couple days ago I didn’t have a favorite song yet but I’ve decided that this song takes that title.

8) “Psychopathic”- “Song Most Likely to Have Been Ghostwritten by Matt Gardner”
– You said it best yourself this is the most Matt Gardner sounding song you’ve ever made. That is until “Lawnmower Man” sees the light of day. All jokes aside this is actually a really great story-telling track. The story happens to be about kidnapping and rape in regards to (possibly) underage girls but still great delivery and vocal inflections nonetheless.

9) “Battle Rap”- “Song With the Most Insane Attention to Detail”
– I still laugh at how we made this a great song but also put a good amount of research into making sure it is 100% factually correct; for a song about Pokemon. I enjoy this song because it reminds me of hanging out with you and creating it and that’s a great memory.

10) “Workplace Hot”- “Most Oddly Specific, Yet Funny Concept”
-Even though this was a later addition to your album it still fits the overall theme perfectly. I really love how you took this thing that I’m sure pretty much every guy experiences at least once and gave it a name, then wrote a whole song about it. It kind of reminds me of how Derek and I come up with hyper specific, and sometimes very stupid, topics to make songs about. My favorite thing about this track is how because of the way the beat is constructed it allows you to vary your flow a few different times throughout. It really shows off your skills as a rapper.

11) “Standing Around”- “Song I’m the Most Outshined On”
-Boy do I get killed on this track haha. Another song with an excellent guest verse, this time in the form of MIke Larry Draw. I actually really like the energy and the vibe that we all have on this song, it just sounds like we’re all having fun with it. This is another of those songs that I have great memories associated with.

12) “Perfect for Me”- “Song Most Likely to Get You Signed/Most Relate-able/Best Flow”
-I know I’ve been talking to you about this particular song the past couple of days through text and I think my superlative says it all.

13) “PTSD”- “Song Most Likely to Make Me Cry”
-Holy shit man I think this is the most personal, most real thing you’ve ever written. The only song that comes close for me is “He Doesn’t Understand.” I’ve never really gotten too in depth with you about this song because I didn’t feel comfortable outright asking you about the events you’re talking about. That’s a good thing though. This is powerful. So what 50 Cent got shot 9 times. So what Jay had to sell crack to support his family. This song to me is more real than that. If I’m understanding the events of this song correctly then what you had to deal with growing up makes you more hardcore than most of these rappers out there (except DMX, he will forever be more hardcore than anyone) This is what Budden meant when he talked about wanting to make the pen bleed and see how you feel.

14) “Midnight Snack”- “Most Fun”
-Lyrically and technically this song is really dope. This may be the quickest spitting you do on the album. I would have to count syllables per minute between this and “Perfect” to find the true winner. The best part about this track though is not my wildly exaggerated reactions but the fact that you sound like you are really enjoying yourself. It’s really infectious and it puts a smile on my face every time. I also like that you do shout-outs at the end no one does that anymore.

All in all I loved every second of this album it really did live up to my expectations. I will be interested to hear what it sounds like with the intro and the skit included because it does actually feel like its missing something in this form. I also think Dan did an incredible job mixing it and if I had the money I would totally have him do my stuff because I hate mixing so much. The only issue I have is that there aren’t more songs. I enjoy this album so much that I desperately want there to be more songs on it. Thats why I’m excited for the Intro and the skit. I know you have more stuff you’re working on so I know I won’t have to wait too long. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and get my album done lol.

New single: “Standing Around (The Club)”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : May 19, 2016
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Fear of Success will be whisking through your ears in a week’s time. As one last hold-over I’m giving you the next single: “Standing Around (The Club).” The song features Mike Larry Draw, who I knew I needed on a track after seeing him rock a crowd in Albany. It also features and was produced by The Rawhide Kid, without whom this song wouldn’t have been half as entertaining or as fun to record.

Do you love spending your nights poppin’ bubbly, dressing flashy and interacting with other human beings? Then this song is not for you. It’s for those of us you drag along because you just can’t accept that there is a good percentage of the population who finds that lifestyle to be tiring and shallow.

For once I did this cover by myself. Working 9 – 5 is one of the main themes of Fear of Success. You would never know it by how poorly I market myself online, but I spend 40 hours a week doing search engine optimization. The cover reflects how I view the world at this point. Also the song kind of does that too.

“Perfect for Me” video

Posted by :Rootbeer On : May 12, 2016
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Fear of Success is an emotional roller coaster and this song is the steep drop. I’ve placed it very strategically in the track order. Every line in the second and third verses rhyme. I know some artists like to do that as a challenge, but doing so with this song just came naturally. Beyond the technical aspects, the creation of “Perfect for Me” has a backstory unlike any of my other songs.

I am my harshest critic, always looking back on my music and hearing the flaws. I have never once done that with “Perfect for Me.” This is my favorite song I’ve ever written. In fact, I haven’t touched the lyrics since April 13, 2012 – the day the relationship in the song went down in flames.

Believe it or not, “Perfect for Me” actually started as a love song. The thing about love songs, though, is they are all too often lacking soul. So I stopped writing with my stupid, idealistic heart and started being honest. It just so happened that I would finish it only hours before emotions got so heavy I’d be unable to write anything of significance for months.

Some time later, when I finally began working on the album again I went back to those lyrics and they read very differently to me. I noticed each verse becoming more delusional. By the end I wondered if I was trying to convince her she’s perfect for me, or if I was trying to convince myself of that.

I didn’t see it when I first wrote it, so you might not have noticed when you first heard it. That’s why I wanted to do a video for this song. I wanted to give everyone a chance to experience the song in context – even if it was via a budget-ass video.

Oh yeah, I should probably talk about the actual video since that’s what this post is about. Cinematography was done by Andrea Malatesta who had to work with much less space and much more choreography than she did for “Battle Rap.” Watching footage of myself trying to direct her between scenes and outtakes makes me look and feel like a shitty person. Okay, shittier person.

The first two minutes of the video were shot with no edits. Since we went the route of first-person perspective, I felt an extended scene with no breaks would trap the audience in the situation. Once the scene splits, so do the characters. At least that’s how I envisioned it. If you just notice poor editing and bad lighting that’s fine too. I didn’t go to film school so maybe my thought process behind the whole thing is backwards and wrong.

Anyway, just watch it. If you like it, consider saying something nice about it. If not, eat something tasty and take your mind off of it.

New Single: “Lost in my Depression”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : May 5, 2016
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It’s the fifth day of the fifth month, so it seems like the most appropriate time to release the fifth track from my album Fear of Success. Produced by The Rawhide Kid, it’s called “Lost in my Depression” and features the dulcet and somewhat haunting tones of my good friend Shayna McG. You may know Shayna as the singer of Zombie Bomb, several members of which – herself included – have recently reunited as The Wicked Ones.

I try to be funny in all these posts, but nothing can balance the misery many of us feel when we usher in Mother’s Day Weekend, so listen to this song and get an early start. If you really insist on clever, here are a couple hashtags you can use when you share the song with your drunk Internet friends:

#CincoDeCryo
#EmoDeMayo