First off, I brought doughnuts into work today just so I could snap the picture for this blog post. I’m very committed to bringing you these exclusive articles – especially if they involve eating and talking about myself.

I also want to say that I wish no ill intent on any rappers named in this song. Think of it like my version of “How to Rob” by 50 Cent. I wanted to take the biggest rappers in the world and make fun of them just slightly more aggressively than I might do to a friend.

Let’s be realistic for a second: none of the rappers named in this song will ever hear it. Even if they did hear it, there’s no guarantee they would actually be upset. And even if they were upset, they should get thicker skin because they’re multi-millionaires and I’m currently waiting to buy the new Mirror’s Edge until the price goes down.

Overview

Like “Being Offensive,” the beat for this was part of the original pack I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. The filename was “My Party.” Not sure what type of party he had in mind. Probably one of the lemon variety. The song was mixed by Dan Bouza and myself.

As I mentioned in the Fear of Success post, I conceptualized this track in the early stages of the album creation. As soon as I decided on the overarching 9 – 5 theme, I thought about what best represents the different hours of my day. On the most glorious of days, someone brings in doughnuts and I eat a whole bunch of them. Oh, by the way I spelled doughnuts properly to educate you fuckers against the abridged version “donuts.” Sorry, but if you’re going to eat excessive food, you also need to use excessive letters.

Anyway, I thought about how I could write a song about doughnuts without it being cheesy custardly(?) and this is what happened. It is also the only song on the album that requires a moderate knowledge of hip-hop culture to appreciate.

Commentary

Movin’ on to the German, J. Cole
Jelly-filled Berliner, Born Sinner but no a-hole
Let Nas down with a single, he seemed way droll
But Cole World as a whole deserved the payroll

Everyone was praising J. Cole but all I had heard was “Work Out” and “Can’t Get Enough,” both of which I hated. Finally, I took the time to sit down and listen to Cole World and they were literally the only two songs on the album I didn’t love. Then, on his next album when he apologizes to Nas for putting out those singles that weren’t true to the legacy he wanted to leave, I was completely sold on him as an artist.

Rick Ross is the powdered always spittin’ bout cocaine
Plus he’s redundant like every little sugar grain
The same old topics, the same damn words
And sometimes he just rhymes the same damn words

I think this was the first of the metaphors I came up with. Rawhide tells me the “same damn words” line had him cracking up the first time he heard it.

Meek Mill is a cheap fill-in for Reek Villian

Reek da Villian from Flipmode Squad

Calls himself Wale, but it looks like whale. Like whale.

I legitimately thought Wale was pronounced “whale” from the time he was on the freshmen cover until he put out his first single with MMG.

Jay-Z is the coffee donut
Some people just pretend to like him cuz think they’re supposed ta

People treat Jay-Z’s opinion like fact. When he made “Death of Autotune” everyone backed up and stopped using it. He single-handedly ended a fad because the public let him. That was the catalyst for me making “Jay Ain’t Jesus” many years ago. I’m still not sure why we deify celebrities so much.

As a lyricist, it’s especially frustrating that people follow Jay so much because he, himself admitted he simplifies his lyrics. While I respect all that he’s accomplished, it’s upsetting knowing that he can deliver a verse like he does on “Da Graveyard” with Big L but chooses not to. He’s made some classic hits, but when you know a guy could sell a blank disc, you wonder why he still holds back.

Speakin’ of, Bob’s the green glazed
He got that sticky haze, you’ll be blazed for three days
He makes the hits Wiz wishes he made

Bob = B.o.B

Wrote this before Wiz made “See You Again” which got huge.

Chocolate custard, black and yellow like the bees that I evade

This may have been the last line of the song I polished before putting it on wax. Get it? Beeswax.

Have you ever seen a close up picture of a bee? They are designed to look angry all the time and they terrify me. I’m not allergic or anything, but if a bee challenged me to a rap battle I would forfeit.

How about some classics?
Big L? Big Pun? Notorious B.I.G.? Big Daddy Kane?
Now you just got Big Sean.
The fuck is that?!

Actually, Big Sean’s verse on “Detroit vs. Everybody” is one of my favorite verses so far this decade.