Archives for : Rootbeer Report

Rootbeer Report #11: “Standing Around (The Club)”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : August 12, 2016
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Almost every song on this album has some depressing backstory, rendering the Rootbeer Reports unenjoyable. This song is the exception. Every memory surrounding it is fun or hilarious.

That fateful night

The song was actually inspired by one specific night. You might not be able to tell by looking at us, or listening to the song about Pokémon, or considering the fact we have a song about Pokémon in the first place, but Rawhide and I don’t exactly party. A typical evening for us in college was him trying to listen through the wall to our other roommate having sex and describing it to me while I play Wind Waker and tell him to take his ear off the wall and get back to watching reruns of The Nanny.

So one weekend the semester after I graduated, but Rawhide was still in Potsdam doing student teaching, I took a trip up to visit. Rawhide had just survived a traumatic break-up, so a bunch of us decided to take him out to a club. Not sure why a group of people who had collectively stepped feet in clubs fewer times than they had feet seemed like a good idea, but it’s what we did. And while there we did exactly what you’d expect a group of people like us to do: we stood in the corner and made comments to one another when the DJ played something we actually liked. At one point a girl came up to us and just started rubbing her ass on us. She was a little heavier (so my type) but I wasn’t single at the time so I just stood there frozen until she went away. She tried to get at least three of the guys in our group to dance before giving up. Of course, when I wrote the lyrics I exaggerated her size and made it the focal point of my verse.

Eventually we all walked swiftly back to campus after a growing need to take a shit led to the discovery that the men’s bathroom had no doors on its stalls. Six months or so later I would include the concept for “Standing Around” in the first message I sent to Rawhide about the in-progress album. Shortly thereafter I selected a beat he had produced called “Dubstep” for the song.

Mike Larry Draw

I met Mike Larry Draw when he did a show in Albany, NY. It was in the back room of McGeary’s Irish Pub for a fairly small crowd. In settings like that, the majority of the audience is comprised of real hip-hop heads. Mike went on as the fourth of four equally-billed acts. Two of them were Knowle’ge and Hired Gun – both brilliant artists I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Mike, and I don’t think he would disagree with this statement, was a bit of an oddball by comparison. Songs about scooters stuck out like sore thumbs on the fists pumping for Hired Gun’s “Arrest the President.” The crowd was a little confused at first, or at least I was. Then he performed “Get Lite.”

Suddenly, an audience that was listening intently to the politically-charged lyrics of the previous acts had begun raging. I knew I needed a feature from this guy. I reached out to both Mike and L One Crackeriffic about “Standing Around.” Mike got back to me first and, no offense to L One because he had a dope verse on the “Rush Hour RMX,” I’m really glad he did. Not only did he turn the verse around in just a couple of days, he renegaded Rawhide and I.

I had the pleasure of seeing Mike perform recently at the 8th Annual Beatshot Festival and, instead of rapping, he played some of the beats he produced and invited everyone to get onstage and spit their best 16. We had a nice chat afterward.

The Rawhide Kid

Rawhide wrote and recorded his verse when he visited me in Schenectady in 2014. Since he had the final verse, he was going to be the last of us to want to stay at the club. As such, his plan was to spend 14 bars discussing how awesome the club is, then let the most minor occurrence completely ruin it for him. There was a point where he suggested a girl say to him “eww, no, this club is no-creepers-allowed” and I asked him who he had in mind to recite that line. Halfway through my question I realized who I was talking to so, yeah, that’s me rejecting Rawhide’s sexual advancements like I do off-record at least twice a week.

During that visit, Rawhide and I also recorded the interludes. I said last week that it’s an unspoken rule Rawhide has to re-record his adlibs until I laugh so hard I have to leave the room. You’ll notice I don’t say anything else in that interlude after he says “Have another Utica Club” because I literally had to cover my mouth and walk away after that. I had no idea what that was at the time. As he would explain to me, and I would later see while visiting him in Boonville, is that it’s a Central New York beer. No one outside of his Trump-voting, tractor racing section of the state would get the joke so naturally, the duo who brought you “Upstate Upbringing” would keep it in the song.

Utica Club
Rawhide holding a six-pack of David Duke’s favorite brew, probably

Easter Egg

I actually did record a chorus for this song but the pitch has been lowered and the interludes are recited over it. Can you figure out what I’m saying?

Rootbeer Report #10: “Workplace Hot”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : August 6, 2016
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The most misogynistic song on Fear of Success was conceptualized by a woman.

It Was Meant for the Stage

This was the last song to be added to Fear of Success. Originally, Track 12 was going to be a completely different song with some specific guests but – despite agreeing to do the song – they could not commit. I could have just released the album with one less song but doing so would have upset a balance I intended from the very beginning. The section of the album represents the evening, the free time where you’re around friends who distract you from the racing thoughts. It’s the “fun” part of the album. Having only “Battle Rap” and “Standing Around” did not feel like enough positive weight against the depressing midday (“Cold Turkey,” “Ghost of my Past”) and the depressing late night (“Perfect for Me,” “PTSD”).

I thought about what else I could do and then recalled something that had taken place more than a year prior. One day at the company where I work, a few minutes before a call with a client, I went to my coworker, Jen’s office. She was in there with someone else, laughing, and then shared with me an idea for a musical she was conceptualizing about office life. She rattled off a few song concepts, including a token rap song about a girl all the guys obsess over, despite it being more of an attraction based on proximity and comparison. She is the most attractive person you see on a regular basis, so there is a certain perception of attainability.

Misogyny for Everybody

When I say misogynistic, I mean it perceives the subject as a trophy to be won. That subject, in this case was assigned the female gender by me, a heterosexual male. However, this phenomenon is one almost anyone can relate to and applies to people across the board. I made sure to mention that in the second verse:

Ladies, don’t let it offend you
The concept affects men too
You ever see a fella dressed in his best suit
A 10 in his vest, anything less: 2

As with many workplace distractions, we never discussed the musical again and eventually Jen left the company. However, we remain friends and I knew she wouldn’t mind it if I borrowed the concept, especially since it fits so perfectly on Fear of Success. She has heard the song and thinks it’s hysterical.

Getting to Work

I searched my hard drive for beats to write to and selected one titled “Wavelength” that Rawhide had sent me for a completely different project. A few weeks later, I drove out to his apartment and we recorded his parts, as well as his verses for “Being Offensive” and the “Rush Hour RMX.” This was the last real recording session for the album, with the only work left to do being mixing and mastering with Dan. As such, “Workplace Hot” was definitely infused with that album-almost-done excitement.

As for the lyrics, there is nothing to unpack nor any deeper meaning to any of the words. With Rawhide’s interlude before the second verse, I did have him improvise it a few times. For moments like that, it’s an unspoken rule that we re-record until he makes me laugh so hard I have to leave the room. The banter on “Standing Around” was no exception, but that is a story for next week.

Rootbeer Report #9: “Battle Rap”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : July 29, 2016
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It’s 4am. I’m sitting in an airport waiting for a plane to fly me to a city I’ve never been to. I haven’t slept.

A lot of rappers tweet like the above while they’re on tour. My trip is for business, but it has nothing to do with music. In fact, my presence here writing this blog entry is the very essence of Fear of Success. I’ve chosen the 9 – 5 life, but there are parts of my dreams I can never let go. Hip-hop will always be in my blood, like white cells, fighting what ails me.

I’m going to read that metaphor tomorrow and think it’s much less clever.

And if hip-hop is the white blood cells, then the red ones…they, well, they look kind of like Pokéballs don’t they?

Ever since I was gifted Pokémon Blue on my 10th birthday I’ve been, to an extent, obsessed. My entire circle of friends at college, including The Rawhide Kid, was addicted all the same. It’s a beautiful coincidence that I get to write this Rootbeer Report at the height of Pokémon GO’s rise to popularity.

In fact, I’ve got my phone on the chair next to me, keeping an eye on the airport gym, making sure it stays in the glory of Team Valor. Dammit, someone just took it. When Dan shows up I’ll have him watch my luggage so I can get it back.

Anyway, you didn’t click on this post to read the ramblings of my overtired brain, though you should know by now to expect it so you get no sympathy if you are thus far bored. Now I’m going to actually discuss “Battle Rap.” This was a concept I sent to Rawhide when I first told him I was working on a new album, though I did worry that if it went viral my music would instantly be written off as a gimmick. I then decided a viral gimmick wouldn’t be the worst definition my music’s been given.

Fact Checking

Normally, I tell Rawhide a concept, he plays me or sends me beats he’s already made that best suit it and we tailor each other’s work from there. With this song, Rawhide crafted the beat specifically for the concept with the exact sample I had in mind. We started writing to it on the spot. We got through maybe the first verse-and-a-half during that early 2012 listening session and finished it over a year later. We double-checked every reference to make sure each Pokémon we chose had a proper moveset.

Aerodactyl actually couldn’t learn Earthquake until the second generation of Pokémon games so while this line is accurate, the game from which I captured the Pokémon footage in the video (Pokémon Stadium) is a Generation 1 spin-off title. While brainstorming what to do for that part, Andrea came up with the idea of stealing a scene from San Andreas. I happened upon a Blu-Ray copy on Black Friday for $10 so I picked it up, watched it and identified the perfect scene to integrate.

Is it just me or is the video really shitty?

To film, we borrowed my friend and coworker Karina’s camera (which I still haven’t given back) and went to the field near my dad’s house. This was an ideal location, not only because it is private property so we wouldn’t be disturbed, but because it was balls hot outside and my dad’s house was nearby and available for us to takes breaks in air conditioning. Andrea Malatesta, who also created the single cover and the album cover, operated the camera.

You may notice there are a couple scenes where Rawhide’s hat is on frontwards. This was initially an accident but after noticing it, we decided to keep it in as a sight gag. It’s a video of two white guys rapping about Pokémon. A well-made video wouldn’t have done the song justice. It isn’t that the video is bad. It has a finely-tuned balance between being professional and not taking itself too seriously. It’s “Strategically Shitty,” as I like to call it.

Pancakes

You know how on Arrow Oliver keeps revealing skills and connections as the flashbacks show where he first got those skills or connections? This is like that except instead of surviving on an island, I was recording a childish music video. As I write this sentence I’m sitting in Chicago Midway Airport having just watched my coworker, John, eat some pancakes. Flashback to the song now, which ends with Rawhide and I getting pancakes. That is actually a reference to a reference. Rawhide got pancakes at the end of his song “Kung Fu You” which was totally my idea. That idea, which was mine, was inspired by the Prince sketch on Chappelle’s Show where Charlie Murphy ends his story by saying Prince made him and his crew pancakes.

Rootbeer Report #8: “Psychopathic”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : July 24, 2016
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What can I say about this song that isn’t going to get me in trouble?

The three verses are about three specific fictional characters and the chorus is an interpretation of a song that is relevant to those characters. If you know the what these characters are from, you get this song. If you don’t then you probably think I’m a rapist.

In 17 years of writing lyrics I’ve never dabbled in horrorcore. I did do some horrorcore style production on a couple of The Rawhide Kid’s songs. There are quite a few horrorcore artists I really enjoy (including a good percentage of Rawhide’s discography) but it was never anything I wished to emulate. Hip-hop has been an outlet for my depression more than anything else. That and an opportunity to brag about my dick. Lots and lots of dicktalk. However, I came up with the concept for “Psychopathic” and thought it was Rootbeer enough to cross that threshold without losing authenticity.

The Voice

Delivery is always important but it was a bigger focus on this song. Obviously my regular voice wouldn’t suit the lyrics or the theme, but the gruff, Violent J-esque thing is played out. I didn’t want to try to sound scary because it’s very transparent. Fear isn’t the goal of the rapist character. He’s recalling stories of his escapades. He does not feel shame or remorse. So I used a very soft, excited voice which made the character believable and also helped the song stand out on the album as well as within the horrorcore subgenre of hip-hop.

Fun Fact (based on a very liberal definition of “fun”)

I know the first hip-hop lyrics I ever wrote were written on hotel stationery in 1999. Then from 1999 – 2001 I wrote a number of songs and never recorded them. At some point in that two year period I remember writing a song called “Psychopathic” intended for the first Caucasian Invasion album – which was a group I was in with my friend and former rapper BullDogg. We ended up starting over from scratch after a brief attempt at turning the project into nu-metal so the lyrics became lost to time. However, I never forgot that title and now, 17 years later, I’ve made use of it. There was one other time I reused a song title from that 1999 – 2001 era of lost lyrics and that was “Toad Voice” on my 2006 release Obey Me.

Commentary

More often than not I write lyrics in a notebook first, then copy them to Microsoft Word. In this case, it seems I wrote almost everything in Word first. Opening the lyric doc for the first time in a while, I see I actually titled the verses with the name of each victim and had a list of facts about that character to include. Instead of my usual commentary, I’m just going to block quote all of the lines that are direct references to the characters.

Saw her on the beach being dowsed by a supersoaker

her brother’s a freak psychology-cal-ly

As my stale breath hit her neck I swear she said “give it up to me”

Playwright with an attitude, always has her blood rushing
But she’s an actress, I bet this is practice, she’s bluffing
She collects scissors to cut things
But has she got a tongue ring? I’m just wond’ring
Cuz she’s got one on her eyebrow, I like how that adds spice

She accidently ass-dialed her spark as she sparred me
He thought that something happened to his little harpy
Grabbed his jacket and went to start his RV
But fortunately I’d foreseen it and thieved his car keys

Can’t risk meeting her father, he is a cop

And do the slut just like her best friend’s brother

Rootbeer Report #7: “Ghost of my Past”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : July 17, 2016
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This song represents the transition between the end of the work day and the beginning of your free time when, occasionally, you reflect on what you’re doing with your life, who you are as a person and how that compares to what you expect of yourself. Very few of us are the perfect image of what we envisioned as a child. We consider the events and the people who “corrupted” us. Maybe you don’t have these thoughts, in which case you’re stronger than I. Then again, I think the maximum number of pullups I’ve ever done at once is three so I’m not much to compete with.

Overview

The instrumental came from the original pack I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. I don’t have its original title because I believe I asked Rawhide to extend it when it wasn’t long enough. An interesting fact, however, is that Rawhide had the “Album” field filled out and it was labeled “When I Get to Hell.” That means that, at some point, he intended for the instrumental to be used on his When I Get to Hell EP and he either couldn’t find a purpose for it, or I stole it out from under him.

It actually looks like the last time I touched the lyric document was April 12, 2014, which makes it the first song on the album I had my parts done with. Dan and I mixed it, which you can infer since I already said we mixed every track together. Another point of interest is that this and “Cold Turkey” are the only songs on the album that are “clean” by FCC standards. Neither was intentionally created that way.

Let Me Dickride Knowle’ge a Bit

I first saw Knowle’ge my freshman year at SUNY Potsdam. The Black Student Alliance hosted a talent show and I decided to check it out. Knowle’ge ended up winning, starting with a high energy track and then slowing down into his song “Can’t Do This Again.”

The way he criticized his persona in the song but couldn’t seem to stop his abusiveness was like a sound mind trapped in an unsound person. It really resonated with me. I found out a little later that Knowle’ge grew up in Albany, the county right next to mine.

By that point my album Alternate Ending was just about done. Around that same time, Rawhide and I became friends and allies and from that relationship I crafted Cracks on Memory Lane and together we made Whiteout!. I considered reaching out to Knowle’ge to be on both, but neither of them had a song that fit his style.

Early in the process of creating Fear of Success I had written “Ghost of my Past.” There was a short while I was calling it “Ghost of my Own Past” but, eh, that sounded superfluous. As soon as I finished my two verses and chorus, I knew it was the song I would finally ask Knowle’ge to grace. I must have told him I’d send him something “soon” for two years before I finally recorded my parts. He took a little while to perfect his verse but sent it back flawless. Even Dan, who went to Potsdam and knew Knowle’ge said “holy shit” when he heard it. The way it goes from this rapid, panicking flow to a gradual acceptance was nothing short of genius artistry. Then again, I’m the guy who knew this was the perfect song for him so I’ll take a small finders fee of your credit, thank you very much.

Commentary

Found my first white hair from a fear of success

This line inspired the album title, not the other way around. My first white hair, however, inspired the line. Now they’re all over my head.

It reveals a lot but not as much as a scrapbook
Flippin’ back through the pages to decipher the path took
Take a look at my life with dispassionate cataracts
Other than these brown eyes, that Adam is shattered glass
As a matter of fact that’s me, the kid in the picture

I was going for imagery of me flipping through a scrapbook of childhood photos but instead of reliving the memories fondly, I’m trying to figure out the exact moment that light in my eyes flickered out.

Feel like a ghost of my past
This and a joke when I ask if I can go the way back
No, I’ve chosen my path, but who is this?
This don’t seem like the same kid you grew up with
No, this is a man who’s been chewed up and spitted out
Till he put on a show, forgot to know and couldn’t figure out
Who he is like it never was bred-in-the-bone
Only time I see the real me is when I’m alone

I know I said “Perfect for Me” is my favorite song I’ve ever written and I stand by that, but I think the “Ghost of my Past” has the best chorus I’ve ever written.

Evidence is that I acted black, adapted an accent
But it sounded unnatural, listen to my tracks from the past when
I tried to be gangsta, an album called Target Practice
Now I got every last print stashed under the mattress

Here is Target Practice. I’ve come to terms with it. It was 2004, a year I had completely lost myself. I was fifteen years old and, save for a couple of songs, I wasn’t making music to share thoughts and experiences. I was doing it to seem cool, popular and be accepted. It resulted in none of those. I was wearing fitted hats everywhere, sometimes even with a bandanna underneath if I was going somewhere I didn’t think it would cause a scene. I even trained myself to speak as “black” as possible and, to this day, there are still some words I pronounce differently.

I moved back into my childhood home right around the time I finished it and, after reacquainting with some friends, I realized that I didn’t need to look, sound or act a part to be “hip-hop.” This stemmed from the fact that my clique wasn’t comprised of hip-hop fans at all. Most of them were metal heads. I didn’t have long hair or a Dimmu Borgir shirt, but I fit in. So to be “hip-hop,” I didn’t need to look like a ghetto survival story, I just needed to be passionate.

I began work on Obey Me with the intent of keeping the few songs on Target Practice that weren’t blatant culture-jacking and erasing everything else. For a long time I really did have a folder under my bed with print outs of the album artwork. It wasn’t until 2014 that I put it on Bandcamp because I was so proud of how Fear of Success was coming along that I realized it was kind of an important artifact of my growth as an artist. It was an impressionable time for me. Now I’m trying to make an impression.

Before my mom brought coke home in a Ziploc baggy

Babysitter found her sniffing it in the bedroom. There was a certain level of shock to this line but then I posted the “Cold Turkey” write up and now you just expect this.

Rootbeer Report #6: “Cold Turkey”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : July 12, 2016
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Sorry for the late post. I’ve been trying to get a Rootbeer Report out every Thursday or Friday, but here it is, the following Monday. Truthfully, the reason I hadn’t posted is because I couldn’t decide what I wanted the featured image to be. I’ll explain later. Anyway, this post is about “Cold Turkey,” which was not a song originally planned for Fear of Success but it found its way on the project anyway.

A Dive into Darkness

Writing this is painful. Remembering what was happening in my life when I wrote the song is agony. May – June 2013 was easily one of the most stressful times for me emotionally and the most challenging for my sanity. Everything was going wrong all at once and when I reached a point where the suicidal thoughts got worse than they had ever been in my then 24 year old life, I did something I’ve only done enough times to count on one hand: I prayed. I got on my knees, crying and whispered something along the lines of “I’m not sure if I’m being tested, but if I am being tested for something then I don’t think I’m the right person for it because I can’t take much more.”

I believe organized religion is the foremost issue in our society, yet I wept to the ghosts around me as if they were sacrificing my first born to some vengeful deity.

Like, when I say on “Midnight Snack” that this album was made during one of the darkest times in my life, this was the epitome of it. The people I thank on that song were there to talk me down at 4:30 in the morning. But this post isn’t about “Midnight Snack,” it’s about “Cold Turkey.”

Every Woman in my Life with Animosity Toward Her

As I said in my Fear of Success post, it took two failed relationships for this project to get done. This song actually isn’t about an individual person. It started out being about the girl in the first relationship, but she was the same one who was the subject of “Perfect for Me” and I didn’t want to dedicate too much of the album to her. For quite some time, it remained a half-written song that I didn’t know what to do with.

It was the second breakup that caused me to finish the song and though that relationship was much, much shorter, its ending was more painful. She was, in many ways, all I had. I was told my mother has dementia and was given ten years to live, maximum. These would not be ten quality years either. She would deteriorate and eventually require institutionalization. Then, on April 30, 2013 I had to drive my mother several hours to a mental health facility so she could get her medications straightened out. This is a woman who had battled with addiction all her life, but who had also made AA her family and had found release from alcohol’s hold over her. So I have a mixed reaction whenever my mother is considered “clean and sober.” Being alcohol-free since 2000 is an impressive accomplishment, but replacing it with pills is, in both behavior and intent, the same problem. We blame the addiction, not the addict, though at some point the whole situation becomes so taxing that the support no longer has the strength, resources or willpower to help.

While my mother was the mental health facility, my grandmother had a stroke and wound up in the hospital. Between visiting my grandmother as often as possible because I wasn’t sure when the last time would be, to answering delusional calls from my mother trying to con her way out of the mental health facility, and lest we forget the open wounds left over from a five-year relationship that ended only a year prior – I clung to the only comfort left in my life. Unfortunately, that was a recent grad school graduate whose time consoling my needy, overly forward-thinking and idealistic ass would have been better spent making moves professionally. The first time I saw those decisions being prioritized over me (despite how logical it was to do so), we engaged in a conversation we would not make it out of. I could describe the nuances, but I’d rather not relive it.

Back to Writing

My father found out a day or two after she and I called it quits and wanted me to stay with him for a couple days. I did, but unfortunately there wasn’t much to distract me in the Pocahontas woodland paradise that is my dad’s house. I was pacing back and forth, hoping she would call and that maybe we could work things out. That’s when I realized…it was the same hallway I was pacing in while writing “The Best Nightmare” which inspired the line “up in the hallway pacing, pacing.” So I started writing “I just realized I’m in that same hallway, pacing.” That’s the hallway in the featured image on this post, which is something I had to drive all the way to my dad’s to snap and why this post got delayed.

Before long, I had the first verse of “Cold Turkey” and a few stray couplets written. Thematically, they fit really well with the song I had started long before – the one about the first breakup. After a bit of fine-tuning, I had the three verses. In fact, the last time I touched the lyric doc was only five days after the breakup. I thought about a hook and decided against one, reasoning that it would give the song too much of a processed feel. I just wanted bursts of raw emotion. I told Rawhide this and that I needed a beat. The following was his response:

I worked on a lot of this last night and since like 2:00 this afternoon here are 15 beats that may work for your song (and maybe even the other one you messaged me about) There’s quite the variety here; most of these are the most recent beats I’ve made during the Reason to Believe production process, making them really good, full of live instrumentation, really full of emotion, kind of experimental, and some of my favorites. Also be aware that almost every single one of these is unfinished; in that they’re a work in progress and shortened by a verse or two. But if you like one let me know and I’ll work on extending it and making it fit. I really hope you find something that you like here otherwise I’m like a frat boy’s t-shirt at a beer-pong party with five finger death punch blasting in the background: tapped out. haha

P.S. My vote goes to the beat I named “Gently.” I think something really special could be created with that, I just haven’t been able to do any justice yet with any of my songs.

But I didn’t go with “Gently.” I went with one called “deeper” which he then extended and perfected. To this day I’m writing to some of those other 14 beats he sent, some of which may appear on future projects. Eventually I laid “Cold Turkey” to tape and Dan did the mixing.

Closure?

We didn’t think my grandmother would recover, but she did – as well as you could expect anyone in their 90’s to recover. As for my mom, she’s had additional visits to the mental health facility for abusing prescription medications since then and, in the process, we learned that the dementia was a misdiagnosis. She had done so much doctor shopping that she ended up on anti-psychotic medicine and a bunch of other substances we weren’t aware of that had completely invalidated the previous tests. She was tested again, which came back negative.

Commentary

Some of us have a Jonah Complex and keep stalling

A Jonah Complex is a fear of success.

I can’t focus even though I sit at my desk

Here’s the line that ties it to the 9 – 5 theme.

She don’t put me down like you, no mercy

This is a reference to Joe Budden’s “She Don’t Put It Down Like You.” I used to download a bunch of albums when I would drive the several hours to visit Second Breakup at grad school. That album, No Love Lost was the first album I listened to on one of those trips, though, ironically, the line itself better reflects First Breakup.

Rootbeer Report #5: “Integrity”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 30, 2016
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Transition

I love an album that’s as much a bipolar mess as I am. That’s why it made sense to jump from a low like “Lost in my Depression” to a something as silly as “Integrity.” However, I didn’t want to take away from either song with an immediate, drastic change in mood.

Having client calls is part of my job so I wanted to reflect that on the album somehow. Between “Lost in my Depression” and “Integrity” was perfect for a skit because it lets the listener cleanse their pallet. Skits on rap albums are pretty much an endangered species at this point, but it made sense in this case. It’s tailored to the album theme, introduces a song, is slightly funny and gives the engineer a voice. That’s Dan Bouza on the other end of the line, by the way. Shout to him for recording the whole thing.

Overview

As I mentioned in my Fear of Success post, this was an early concept that made it all the way to the final product. For the fourth week in a row, the instrumental was one I brought home from Rawhide’s in early 2012. The filename he gave it was Project 23. Who the hell knows what that means?

Role in Fear of Success

Part of jobs – hell, part of life is doing things you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe you’re working with a client in a vertical that challenges your worldview. When you have enough love for what you do you’re willing to forfeit some integrity and do the work that makes you hate yourself so you can continue to do the other 80% of the tasks listed under your job title that give you purpose. The hip-hop equivalent of that is writing radio records.

Commentary, with lyrics I had to rewrite because I can’t find the finished lyric doc for the life of me

Money taller than a sumac, sumac
Who dat? Who dat? Yeah, Root back, Root back

Direct parody of Iggy Azalea.

Bruno Mars, Charli XCX
Sia, Ne-Yo, Teddy Pain
Usher, Future, Trey Songz
Rihanna, Chris Brown, Akon

If this truly was a radio single I’d have outsourced the hook to someone on this very exclusive list of artists the industry agreed to make superstars. I can’t afford any of them so I just read the menu.

Got more cream than a bag of Oreos

I built the entire section of the second verse around this punchline and it’s not even very good. It’s appropriate, though, because I’m pretty sure Desiigner built an entire song around “Gorillas they come and kill you with bananas.”

Goin’ home wit’ a bitch I met on the Internet, Ctrl+F her
Take control, F her

I dropped a reference to office work on every song. This one was a little more cryptic: Ctrl+F being the keyboard shortcut for “Find.”

No merit, you old like Bo Derek
Bum stickity bum, I flow cuz I wrote lyrics
Stick my thumb in your bum, your bum in my face
Make you sweat like you done wit’ a race and runnin’ in place

I’ll admit I didn’t get the appeal of Danny Brown at first. Everything I heard was about Molly and eating pussy. After he did a couple guest verses I liked – “Tick Tock” on the Man with the Iron Fists Soundtrack comes to mind – I finally checked out XXX and was pleasantly surprised. Still, his voice is unique so I wanted to parody it. It is the “Freshest Form of Flattery” after all. One thing I will say: I don’t know how the hell the guy does entire songs with that open-throat flow. I did four bars and I was in pain.

Rootbeer Report #4: “Lost in my Depression”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 24, 2016
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The most interesting thing I can tell you about this song is that, one time, Grieves was doing a show in Upstate New York and, as a longtime fan, I wasn’t about to miss it. Most artists are late for their own sets or hide backstage until the last possible moment. Not Grieves. I walked into Upstate Concert Hall and he was literally the first person I saw, hanging out in front of his own merch table. I shook his hand, told him Irreversible changed my life and bought every one of his albums I didn’t already have physical copies of.

After his set I approached him and asked if I could spit a verse. I wasn’t looking for anything, not even feedback. I just wanted to share my flavor of hip-hop with someone who I felt would understand it. When I first heard Irreversible, his language was like a polished version of what I was always trying to write. He conveys emotion in his lyrics like a play-by-play of the internal struggle. It was music for those of us whose brains won’t allow us to get out there and succeed. Hell, it was a soundtrack for me. So when he agreed to listen I wanted to give him something I thought he’d appreciate. I spit the second verse of “Lost in my Depression” which, at that point, hadn’t even been recorded yet. He said he loved how I bounced between “easy” and “hard” and thanked me for “not sucking.” Folks, one of my hip-hop idols told me I don’t suck.

Overview

This is the third song in a row where the beat came from the original pack Rawhide sent me home with back in 2012. The filename he gave it was “Boi 1-Da Type” which is an accurate description. Grieves actually asked me what kind of beat I had in mind for the song and when I told him it was Boi 1-Da sounding it definitely sparked his curiosity.

Everyone’s Best

Somehow my vocal delivery on this song ended up flawless. I did very few takes and my voice maintained a consistent volume. Dan didn’t even need to EQ the vocals.

I knew the hook could only be done justice with female vocals which was a route I had only explored before once, and that was ten years ago. A few singers were considered, but Shayna was always the frontrunner. She had the most experience and her goth rock style from her Zombie Bomb days was a perfect match for the words I’d written. Likewise, she was a former coworker and this album is dedicated to the 9 – 5, after all. She dropped by one weekend and crushed it in only a few takes. The whispering at the beginning of the track was her idea as well. Despite the fact that the lyrics were my bastard brainchild, this song may have had the most collaborative input than any other track on the album when you consider the contributions between Shayna, Dan, Rawhide and I.

Commentary

Sick of havin’ to ask for extra shifts
Cuz the rate they pay is next to shit

This album is about the 9 – 5 life; not a specific 9 – 5. This piece and a lot of the third verse of “Rush Hour” were inspired by a job at a chain of convenient stores I had from 2010 – 2011. The same one that inspired “2 Angry White Boyz” on Whiteout!

Sick of havin’ to eat for cheap
Sick of needing to wait for bird cheeps to sleep

The working title for this song was “Sick” – but that title only really fit the first verse.

Every evening, threatening to leave me, slamming doors

A little foreshadowing to the evening section of the album. “Perfect for Me” in particular.

Clouds of gray blemishing heaven
A shroud of haze is the deadliest weapon
No motivation to wake so I slept in
And I’ll waste the day – lost in my depression

These were the original lyrics to the chorus. Shayna took a couple of creative liberties with it, for the better, or course. She changed “slept” to “sleep” and changed “And I’ll I waste the day” to “I’ll waste another day again.” There’s actually a version of the song with me doing the original chorus as guide vocals and as long as my level of fame remains too-pathetic-to-hack you will never hear it.

My heart was taken and then my heart was shaken
And then my heart was achin’ and now my heart is breakin’

It was 100% Dan’s idea to have this repeat at the end of the song with the vocal effects and I totally like it. However, I realized very recently this is something Hollywood Undead does on “My Black Dahlia” and it’s making me self-conscious. When you see me, please remind me I’m not a shitty crunkcore act.

Just when you think you perfect it
You ain’t even hit the depression step it’s a pathetic mess

There are two places in the song where I rap in double time. This wasn’t because I am a bad writer who can’t keep track of his syllables. It’s because I wanted to put words to midday depression both in context and in style. Part of depression is having racing thoughts. With sadness comes intermittent panic, and certain lines warranted a sense of urgency that is derived from panic. Andrea, the cover designer, picked up on that when we were previewing tracks which is among the reasons she consistently captures still and video visuals that represent my music so perfectly.

Thumb brushes the touch screen, a hunt for supporters
Then I call no one and give up to disorder

These final lines went through so many revisions. I kept trying to work in some imagery of running a finger against the buttons on a phone. Once it dawned on me what a dated practice that is, probably right around the time I got my first smartphone, I found a way to complete the verse.

Rootbeer Report #3: “Day Old Doughnuts”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 18, 2016
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First off, I brought doughnuts into work today just so I could snap the picture for this blog post. I’m very committed to bringing you these exclusive articles – especially if they involve eating and talking about myself.

I also want to say that I wish no ill intent on any rappers named in this song. Think of it like my version of “How to Rob” by 50 Cent. I wanted to take the biggest rappers in the world and make fun of them just slightly more aggressively than I might do to a friend.

Let’s be realistic for a second: none of the rappers named in this song will ever hear it. Even if they did hear it, there’s no guarantee they would actually be upset. And even if they were upset, they should get thicker skin because they’re multi-millionaires and I’m currently waiting to buy the new Mirror’s Edge until the price goes down.

Overview

Like “Being Offensive,” the beat for this was part of the original pack I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. The filename was “My Party.” Not sure what type of party he had in mind. Probably one of the lemon variety. The song was mixed by Dan Bouza and myself.

As I mentioned in the Fear of Success post, I conceptualized this track in the early stages of the album creation. As soon as I decided on the overarching 9 – 5 theme, I thought about what best represents the different hours of my day. On the most glorious of days, someone brings in doughnuts and I eat a whole bunch of them. Oh, by the way I spelled doughnuts properly to educate you fuckers against the abridged version “donuts.” Sorry, but if you’re going to eat excessive food, you also need to use excessive letters.

Anyway, I thought about how I could write a song about doughnuts without it being cheesy custardly(?) and this is what happened. It is also the only song on the album that requires a moderate knowledge of hip-hop culture to appreciate.

Commentary

Movin’ on to the German, J. Cole
Jelly-filled Berliner, Born Sinner but no a-hole
Let Nas down with a single, he seemed way droll
But Cole World as a whole deserved the payroll

Everyone was praising J. Cole but all I had heard was “Work Out” and “Can’t Get Enough,” both of which I hated. Finally, I took the time to sit down and listen to Cole World and they were literally the only two songs on the album I didn’t love. Then, on his next album when he apologizes to Nas for putting out those singles that weren’t true to the legacy he wanted to leave, I was completely sold on him as an artist.

Rick Ross is the powdered always spittin’ bout cocaine
Plus he’s redundant like every little sugar grain
The same old topics, the same damn words
And sometimes he just rhymes the same damn words

I think this was the first of the metaphors I came up with. Rawhide tells me the “same damn words” line had him cracking up the first time he heard it.

Meek Mill is a cheap fill-in for Reek Villian

Reek da Villian from Flipmode Squad

Calls himself Wale, but it looks like whale. Like whale.

I legitimately thought Wale was pronounced “whale” from the time he was on the freshmen cover until he put out his first single with MMG.

Jay-Z is the coffee donut
Some people just pretend to like him cuz think they’re supposed ta

People treat Jay-Z’s opinion like fact. When he made “Death of Autotune” everyone backed up and stopped using it. He single-handedly ended a fad because the public let him. That was the catalyst for me making “Jay Ain’t Jesus” many years ago. I’m still not sure why we deify celebrities so much.

As a lyricist, it’s especially frustrating that people follow Jay so much because he, himself admitted he simplifies his lyrics. While I respect all that he’s accomplished, it’s upsetting knowing that he can deliver a verse like he does on “Da Graveyard” with Big L but chooses not to. He’s made some classic hits, but when you know a guy could sell a blank disc, you wonder why he still holds back.

Speakin’ of, Bob’s the green glazed
He got that sticky haze, you’ll be blazed for three days
He makes the hits Wiz wishes he made

Bob = B.o.B

Wrote this before Wiz made “See You Again” which got huge.

Chocolate custard, black and yellow like the bees that I evade

This may have been the last line of the song I polished before putting it on wax. Get it? Beeswax.

Have you ever seen a close up picture of a bee? They are designed to look angry all the time and they terrify me. I’m not allergic or anything, but if a bee challenged me to a rap battle I would forfeit.

How about some classics?
Big L? Big Pun? Notorious B.I.G.? Big Daddy Kane?
Now you just got Big Sean.
The fuck is that?!

Actually, Big Sean’s verse on “Detroit vs. Everybody” is one of my favorite verses so far this decade.

Rootbeer Report #2: “Being Offensive”

Posted by :Rootbeer On : June 10, 2016
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I debated excluding this song from the album. A lot.

This is probably going to be the longest Rootbeer Report because, well, you deserve an explanation. Here it is again in case you forgot why you deleted it off your phone or whatever it is you kids listen to music on these days:

Overview

The beat came from the original batch that I took home from Rawhide’s in 2012. The filename he gave it was “D12 Type,” and I do suppose it sounds like something they would tackle. Like the rest of the songs on the album, Dan Bouza and I mixed it.

Is it too soon to get off-topic?

The entire thing is a parody, which is (or should be) made obvious by the line “I don’t really feel that way, but because of the amendments I’ll make a whole career out of being offensive.”

See, when I used to do shows (which I’ll start doing again soon) people would request songs like “Drummin on da Pussy” – over-the-top music I made purely for fun. Those songs received a disproportionate amount of attention and that affected people’s overall perception of who I am as an “artist” (quotes used to stress the word being used lightly). I was doing shows for crowds of only like a dozen people, yet still feeling that tortured dichotomy between performing what the fans wanted to hear and what I wanted them to hear.

I laid out my frustration over it years ago on “Moment 2 Breathe”

“They heard ‘Drumming’ so they wanna know how disgusting I can be
It’s inane to try to top it and insane because that record was nonsense
But they want it”

For the record, I never wanted to be a shock rapper. The reason I create is not to get under people’s skin, though sometimes I do it anyway. That’s how I have fun with my craft. As “Standing Around” makes very clear, I don’t go to the club to unwind. The chaos of the scene actually has a reverse effect on me, and the rare endorphin rush is never enough to keep me balanced. But creating music gives me that serenity.

I just released an album called Fear of Success with songs titled “Lost in my Depression,” “PTSD” and “Ghost of my Past.” Is it obvious enough that I’m not a particularly happy person? It’s therapeutic for me to turn those negative thoughts into something meaningful; and, for that matter, original. Hip-hop is depressed but I don’t hear a lot of artists tackling some of the topics that go with it like self-sabotage. If you put Joe Budden, Vinnie Paz and I in a room, you’d probably have every symptom covered. That is, if we didn’t just make each other sad enough to off ourselves. 50/50.

I’m trying to simultaneously fill in the missing pieces in my sanity and in the hip-hop genre. Walter Benjamin said it best:

“Writers are really people who write books not because they are poor but because they are dissatisfied with the books which they could buy but do not like.”
-Walter Benjamin, “Unpacking My Library”

Okay replace books in that with lyrics and you understand. Maybe I’m egotistical in thinking my experiences are worth sharing. Maybe I’m being overconfident thinking most of my songs have some substance to them, but I really wish someone said to me in my teenage years what I’m saying to you on this album.

I’m getting really off topic here. Let’s regroup somewhere around my approach to this song.

The Approach

The whole idea was to make a song as this persona that people think Rootbeer is. Not the fat idiot who quotes Walter Benjamin and is sad but the fat idiot who is also a homophobic misogynist.

It seems like every week a celebrity says offensive things, then tries to clarify and suggest they meant something else. I wanted to come right out and say the things that these artists are being accused of saying: all women are sluts, homosexuality is wrong. Then immediately follow that up with “I don’t really feel that way but…”

Offending people gets your name in a whole lot of people’s mouths, and running your own mouth is free publicity that is insured by our First Amendment. I’m saying what I’m saying in this song because I can. I’m not standing up for free speech, I’m being an asshole. And you should have a problem with that. Not because the words are discriminatory (though they are), but because they’re MEAN!

I am not an advocate for a politically correct society because I don’t believe such a thing is possible. We are all different; what we are comfortable with is different. However, one thing that hasn’t changed much is respect. If you use the wrong word with the right intention then you’re respecting someone moreso than using the right words but being a bigoted piece of shit. Patton Oswalt actually has a great bit about that in his latest special. Go check it out. Also, R.I.P. to his wife Michelle.

I guess, to summarize, I want this song to be seen as social commentary. We have freedom of speech and that is a beautiful thing, but why do so many people insist on using that for negativity? Still, I expect at least half the people who listen will not realize I’m asking this question, will hear “slut” and “faggot” and toss my album in the Shock Rap bucket it really doesn’t belong in (the only bucket it belongs in is the garbage can).

Album placement

It serves an important role on Fear of Success, representing the early morning at work when you are still groggy, un-caffeinated and bitter. Before you have some doughnuts. Before the mid-morning depression sets in (for me anyway).

Rawhide’s involvement

Everything about this concept screamed Rootbeer & The Rawhide Kid which is why I originally wanted to have a different guest on it. Like I said, I was trying to challenge people’s perception of me and for years you never saw my stupid, ugly face on a concert poster without his equally stupid, equally ugly face. However, the artist I reached out to could not deliver. There is no bad blood; it just wasn’t meant to be. So I stopped fighting nature and asked Rawhide to assume the position, then be on the track. His response defines who he is as a friend and as an emcee: he actually had a verse written already just in case I came to my senses. It was complete with the intro line “Offended I wasn’t asked to be on this track first” which was a slight jab at me for “snubbing” him. In the end it actually made more sense to have Rawhide on the song because I was trying to embody the bucket I’ve been placed in; a place my collaborations with Rawhide in the past are somewhat responsible for.

Commentary

SO GET OVER HERE BITCH I WANNA SEE YOU WORK

Full credit to Dan for the vocal effects on this line.

These motherfuckers are sweeter than Nutter Butters
But see we keeps it gutter, we’ll fuck your mother

I felt like I used the perfect level of snark in this verse. Unfortunately in my recording of these lines I named the artist I was originally going to feature. I don’t do punch-ins often but the delivery was too good to record over. “But see we keeps it” is a punch-in.

Sorry bucko but I don’t give a fuck if this chick is your slut mother
I’d still fuck her

This is an homage to “I’m Back” by Eminem where he says “Sorry Puff but I don’t give a fuck if this chick was my own mother, I’d still fuck her with no rubber.”

So get to your Twitter: hashtag Adam must be contended

The “bitch” at the end of this line was not written in the lyrics. For a word tacked on out of passion, it became quite the item of discussion during mixing. I asked Dan more than once to turn up just that word because I wanted it to be felt. The song focuses largely on generalizations and at one point I threaten to fuck the listener’s mother. However I never personally insult the listener. This was the last line of the last verse and my last opportunity. I had a split second to make it count. So I called you a bitch. What are you going to do about it?