“I’m dancing with my demons”
Those are the first words Chester sings on the intro track “Nobody Can Save Me” from Linkin Park’s latest release One More Light. The band stated their writing process had changed with that album. They arrived at the studio each day and wrote about what was on their mind. Chester’s battles with demons only waged more aggressively when friend Chris Cornell committed suicide the same week the album was released.
Today, Chester committed the same act. I cried all afternoon. I cried thinking of the band mates left in the wake of the tragedy. I cried thinking about the six beautiful children who will now grow up without a father. Never before had a celebrity’s passing affected me so strongly. The difference was that no other musician sang the soundtrack to my darkest days. I cried because I remembered every painful moment from the last 17 years that Chester’s voice sang me through.
Linkin Park’s music means more to me than anyone can imagine. In 2000 I lived with my mother until one day I came home and no one knew where she was (spoiler: rehab). I moved in with my father who, having a disabled child and a new wife, did not have much time for me. Within the next year, a classmate burned me a copy of Hybrid Theory. My father and I reconnected by listening to Linkin Park in his white Mustang Cobra. We each appreciated them for different reasons. The band and I followed each other into my teen years, into college and adulthood. Throughout this time my depression blossomed, but Linkin Park showed me how to transform that depression into art.
They had more influence on my development as a hip-hop artist than any non-rap act. What more evidence do you need? Chester was the only singer whose scream was so melodious it didn’t sound like he was overcompensating. My outer thug would take a breather as my inner white boy tried to replicate his 17-second scream on “Given Up.” Many argue the band is too electronic, too angsty, too whatever-excuse-is-needed-to-justify-hating-them. However, Linkin Park has at least an album’s worth of material that was the exact opposite of what you thought. Linkin Park is a true example of a band that has translated every emotion to song. Any footage you see of the band constructing their records shows how meticulous and passionate they are. This doesn’t only extend to the studio. I was fortunate to have seen the band live in January 2004 and can confidently say they sound as good live as they do on record.
Linkin Park spoke to me like no other musical act could. Every song was like an internal struggle. From the need for belonging on “My December”
“I’d give it all away
To have someone to come home to”
to the self-criticism and assured growth on “Breaking the Habit”
“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate and say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way, I know it’s not alright
But I’m breaking the habit tonight”
to asking for forgiveness on “Leave out all the Rest”
“When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reason to be missed
Don’t resent me when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest”
to losing it all on “What We Don’t Know” (one of my favorites and no one knows about it)
“This is how we fall apart
But this is how beginnings start
And when our heads betray our hearts
We fake what we don’t know”
to taking everything learned through the struggle and reaching a hand out to the next group on “The Messenger”
“When you’ve suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You’re growing desperate from the fight
Remember you’re loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right back home
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind”
Though he will be best remembered for his extensive catalog with Linkin Park, Chester also released a side project in 2009 called Out of Ashes with his band Dead by Sunrise.
Chester also served as the lead vocalist for Stone Temple Pilots on one EP in 2013. He said it was his dream to sing for STP, so rest assured that Chester saw his dream come true before his untimely passing.
All three of Chester’s bands published soul-searching music. However, budding depression is often written off as angst. Bands like Linkin Park paved the way for today’s generation of artists who are much more open about these issues. However, at the same time I worry we focus too much on the condition and not enough on the solution. Rappers today mention Xanax almost as often as marijuana. Our generation is hurting and the next generation needs to have some tools that we develop to overcome the obstacles we cannot.
Linkin Park held my hand and walked me around each and every obstacle. It is crushing to learn the person who set the example, who morphed their depression into success, was ultimately overcome by the depression. What can we give to our children that is more effective? This is something none us us can answer alone or immediately. Right now, we’re still hurting from the sudden, unexpected loss. Mike, Brad, Joe, Rob, Phoenix…you don’t know me but from everything you have written, in some ways it feels like you do. I am here for you. It’s the least I can offer after the years of sanity you’ve helped me keep. Without Chester here to sing that sanity, the rest of us will work twice as hard.
Thank you, not just to Chester, but to all of Linkin Park. For everything. Your message rings loud and clear.
